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I recently saw a production of Beauty and The Beast. There is a song in the show where all the knives, forks and plates dance across the stage singing Be Our Guest. And indeed being a guest in someone’s house is an honour. Like everything else however, the act of being a guest is governed by the laws of etiquette.
Guests should arrive promptly bearing a gift for the host. A bottle of cheap plonk is not acceptable - however, lots of bottles of cheap plonk are. Flowers and chocolates are good too. The host, as society demands must say things like ‘Oh you shouldn’t have.’ If the gift is just one bottle of the cheap wine, you can take it that she actually means it. The guests should then enter the premises and make standard remarks like ‘Oh, haven’t you done a lovely job’ or ‘The table looks nice’ or ‘Thanks so much for having us’.
Guests should not, under any circumstances express disgust at what is served up. Unless they are under the age of six, they must not discreetly spit out food and roll it up in a napkin. Guests must laugh at appropriate times and if they are husband and wife and happen to have had a huge barney before arriving, a big show of happiness should be adhered to. Guests indeed should be as gracious and charming as the hosts themselves.
And then . . . GUESTS SHOULD GO HOME.
That’s a thing that many guests seem to forget. It was OK for Beauty, she was actually living in the Beast’s palace and had nowhere to go to, but ordinary guests should remember that while there is a time for arriving at a place, there is also a time to leave. Outstaying a welcome is a dangerous thing and should be avoided at all costs. So how does a guest negotiate this minefield? After all one cannot leave after the food – that’s plain rude and yet one cannot stay all night – that’s plain rude too.
A rule of thumb is that if your hosts are nodding blearily at your funniest, wittiest jokes - it is time to go. If your host sneaks out of the room and you hear him turning off the heating system, it is time to go. If you haven’t been offered a drink and your glass has been empty for hours, it is time to go. If your host says, “I’m up early in the morning,” the correct response is, “Oh, we’d better go,” and NOT “Oooh, we don’t need that kind of sexual information, thanks.” And the biggie – if your host falls asleep – it’s time to go.
A friend of mine recently invited some friends over for a drink. The friends came, drank, laughed, played ridiculous party games, drank, laughed, played ridiculous party games, drank, laughed, played ridiculous party music, drank . . . well, you get the picture.
Eventually, in desperation, at four in the morning, my friend woke one of her kids and bribed him with five euro if he pretended to get sick. The child obliged and by four thirty the friends had gone.
So – if the kids get mysteriously sick – that’s a hint too.
After all, when we’re asked to be someone’s guest, we don’t want to actually turn our hosts into beasts that say things like, “I thought they’d never go” and “The next time we get invited to their house we’re going to keep them up all night”.
Though I reckon the Beast wouldn’t have minded Beauty doing that!